17 Oct 2010

情慾交換日記:奴之狩獵。原點



曾經也在愛情裡跌跌撞撞,曾經被傷到再也無力去愛,於是趁著人在國外,心也跟著放蕩,想要貪婪地享受把自己全然放手的自由。於是我展開了這場奴的狩獵,或著,更恰當的描述-交出自己,標示成為被狩獵的狀態。

有個男人,和我約在BDSM主題的情色酒吧小酌,一邊喋喋不休地說著茫茫人海中能遇見我有多幸運,而我是因為他寄給我的一篇他自創的情色小說而對他產生好奇(我發現男人在BDSM社群中勝出的關鍵竟都在於文采,你一定不會相信有多少精采的小說寄到我的信箱中),但在他囉嗦的話語中我開始迷惑自己為何來到這樣陌生的場所,於是我在一杯酒過後以趕地鐵為由快速地離開這個不熟悉的區域鑽入地鐵中逃脫。

還有個男人,要幫我買張機票,讓我飛到法國,嚴格說起來,是兩個男人,他們要將我納入屬於他們的財產,從此輪流在他們的領地上被擁有與被使用。這樣的想法像帶電般讓我極度震撼極度不知所措,其實是好奇的,但我也貪婪地想擁有正常的生活,於是礙於現實的考量拒絕了這麼『盛情』地邀約。

也有個老男人,教會了我許多道理、也給了我一本啟蒙小說閱讀,那是一本被除去書皮的小說,我在離開他時歸還給他,不記得書名了,但書中的情境與主角的念頭卻在我腦海中縈繞不去,成為日後的知識來源。The Story of O,這個好多同好的啟蒙電影,也是在他的帶領下,完整的看完。

另外有對40s的主奴,一開始,是主人親自寫信給我,完整地交代自己住處的空曠環境,讓我能清楚想像在他的領地上接受訓練會是什麼樣的狀況,看完他的信,我呆坐好久,他的文字好有支配慾,像情色驚悚電影一樣的情節在我腦海中會聲會影的播映著,我悄悄地關掉他的信,不敢回應,卻在幾天後收到他的奴的信,催促我的決定,並指出不對她的主人做任何回應的我是多麼的不乖巧不禮貌。

(以下是這個主人原汁原味的信件片段,也許英文好的人可以從中感受我當時的震撼。)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My home is an old house. A nice garden, lots of trees and a place forgotten from the last war. A place that is secure, sound proof, a place I take wannabe slaves and break them for training.

To give you an idea of what can happen to you. Chained to the walls or the floor, or hung from the beams, mostly alone in the dark, knowing that to drink nice things you have to prostitue your mouth; and to eat? Make it good with your pussy. And your arse, is a whole world of extreems, for those special things in life! In those first days you will prostituting yourself for everything you want. To wash, dress and even light sometimes.

You WILL be good for me. You will be a good piece of 3 holded fuckmeat, begging to slurp up come, lick it off of the floor. I will fuck you and make you fuck yourself with things you have not even dreamed of yet! I will strap you to a 'fucking' machine and leave it to do you and take it for hours; then I will back come back and demand you please me, no matter how tired and used you feel! I will use many differant ways to control you; be it fear, hypnosis and even blackmail. I will treat you like a piece of filth. Film you performing digusting acts and make you watch yourself. I could even put live on the internet!

But not today or tomorrow, today we talk and find out what you need. You give me an idea of what you really, really like to do and I will make it even better for you.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

我在這個神祕的未知世界裡摸索,短短數月間,想將我收納起來的,從知名大學的教授、任職百大企業高級主管的印度人、公務員、廣播名人、騎重機的成功商務人士到快達退休年齡的老人都有,我受寵若驚,也更加地小心愛護自己的羽翼,深怕一不小心,就真的被鎖進地窖裡連家都回不了了。

這是我最初最初的冒險,像隻小白兔,東聞聞西嗅嗅,稍有風吹草動便機警地跳開。現在,身邊這個我最敬愛的主人與最深愛的男人,你相信嗎?就是在這場冒險之後的收穫。後來的故事,你們都知道了。

(本文同步刊登於S Link情慾交換日記

1 comment:

  1. We may say you're lucky, or your sir is lucky (to have you).
    Insofar I'm an outsider, reading and skimming over this marginalized community with academic lens, however, your frankness to express desire touched me, from which i found so many pleasure. Thx

    Best,
    Cher

    ReplyDelete